Cowboys and Aliens

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Magnus
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Cowboys and Aliens

Post by Magnus » Fri Jan 16, 2004 8:58 am

Just to please Josan, I'll post another of my dreadful attempts at writing fiction. Please note, that there is prolific swearing in this one. And another note: it's actually pretty bad. :oops:


***

Scroll down to read the entire story.
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Joseph
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Post by Joseph » Fri Jan 16, 2004 12:38 pm

That's bloody hilarious! I love it!

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Post by Skynet » Tue Jan 20, 2004 12:18 am

Very.....different.
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Post by Eldar » Tue Apr 20, 2004 9:11 pm

Hahahaha. That's a great one. will we get a sequel?

You didn't ask for commentary and so I'll just say... kewl!
[quote="Ewen Brown"][size=75]i guess someone will quote this making it utterly pointless, but there, it's been said[/size][/quote]

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Post by Magnus » Wed Apr 21, 2004 11:17 am

Yes, there actually is a sequell, or rather a continuation, in the works. Just have to get my finger outa my ass, and write it :)
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Post by Magnus » Mon May 03, 2004 10:13 am

Scroll down, bro!
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Post by Ewen Brown » Mon May 03, 2004 12:05 pm

hilarious

took the liberty to bypass the language filter for you

have you ever seen the movie memory run
stupidity causes violence

[url=http://www.winterwind-productions.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3071#3071]Swedish Snow Glaciers and Fjords[/url]

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Post by Magnus » Mon May 03, 2004 12:09 pm

Memory Run? Can't say that I have. I guess it resembles my story in some odd way?
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Post by Ewen Brown » Tue May 04, 2004 8:43 am

there is a guy who gets his brain transplanted in a woman because some rich old guy wants his body (the guy) so he can have his brain (old guy) transplanted in his body (the guy)

the twist is that the woman who's body he's been moved into is pregnant with his child.
stupidity causes violence

[url=http://www.winterwind-productions.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3071#3071]Swedish Snow Glaciers and Fjords[/url]

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Post by Magnus » Tue Sep 28, 2004 2:21 am

Managed to write a little more in the ongoing tale of Dean: Read and weep!

Cowboys and Aliens

Chapter One: Surprise Surprise

Dean had been a cowboy ever since he was a kid. Just like his pa, he had started out rustling mind worms over the great American plains. This was the McCoy family tradition. Once you were good enough at rustling mind worms, you got to play with the Big Boys. You got to hunt the Greys. Dean was one of the Big Boys. He was one of the best.

Ever since he could remember, Dean had loved the cowboy way of life. This might be because he had never known any other way, but Dean never thought much about that. He had helped his pa build the ranch in Oregon, and after that he had taken up mind worm rustling. This was the life he knew, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything. A storeowner might earn more money, but did he have the opportunity to sleep out in the open? To be lulled into sleep by the otherworldly moans of the mind worms? The thrill of shooting Greys on horseback, from the back of a locomotive? Dean knew that he would never give up his way of life.

Suddenly, Dean’s reverie was disturbed by a coarse, male voice.
“Dean, get your fucking ass of the ground! The Greys have broken through the quantum barrier, and they’re coming this way!”
Dean slowly grabbed his M16 assault rifle, and entertained the notion of getting up.
“When did this happen?”
“Just now, you slow *beep*! And if you don’t hurry, they’ll be stampeding all over your sorry carcass in a matter of minutes!”
“Take it easy, Jimbo. We’ve taken care of Greys before. It won’t be any different this time.”
“I sure as hell hope you’re right, because they’re hardly a mile away now, and they’re getting closer all the time! fudge!”
“Jesus Christ Jimbo! Do you need to swear that much?!”
“FUCKING CHRIST DEAN! THE ALIENS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE!!!”

Jimbo was more right than he had thought. The Greys –were- right outside. They pulled out their six-shooters; all six of them. And they fired till the guns were out of ammo, at which point they reloaded, and fired again. Ever so slowly, the blood of the two humans could be seen seeping across the dust. Dean had been one of the best Grey hunters, and now he was certainly one of the deadest.

Chapter Two: Lights Camera Revolution

“Cryogenics field stabilising…”
“…Mind worms have been extracted…”
It was all so strange, all those weird sounds…
“…Alright, the subject should be coming to life now.”
And now, the blinding light! What was going on?
“McCoy, can you hear me?”
“Bllaldk…”
“I’ll take that as a yes. Alright, send McCoy off to the operating chamber.”
And so, it all went dark again.


“Alright McCoy, do you hear me?”
Of course he did. Why was he asked such stupid questions?
“Yes.”
But something was wrong. His voice was not what he remembered it to be.
“Now, Mr. McCoy, you might be wondering by now, why your voice sounds so strange. I assure you that as time goes by, you’ll start to get used to it.”
Dean was getting mighty suspicious.
“But your voice is not the only thing that has changed. Mr. McCoy, you might want to brace yourself mentally.”
He did so.
“You are no longer a man.”
Dean didn’t even notice that he fainted…

Chapter Three: The F Word

“You see Dean, when we had found your corpse and that of your friend’s Jimbo, could you please close the door behind you?”
Dean closed the door to the doctors’ office, and sat down.
“…you were already so long gone, that regular cloning was no longer possible. We had to create a new body from the micro-cellular level up. Coincidentally, a very wild party had been thrown here on the hospital, and most of the staff was quite hung over. And, as you well know, I imagine, errors are made when in such a state. Suffice to say, that some had thought it enormously funny to mix all kinds of DNA together, and we were only able to remove the non-human bits of it. And as you can see now, most of that DNA which was left was female.”
“fudge…”
“Exactly. Anyway, the first thing you should consider is to change your name. You can’t say, that Dean fits your, ah ‘persona’ anymore. Perhaps something like ‘Diana’? No? Well, I’ll let you figure that out yourself. The second thing you might want to consider is to bring your life back in order, and inform…”
“Spare me the details doc, and cut to the chase!”
Funny. That didn’t sound as tough as he wanted it to. Maybe it was because of his newfound voice.
“I will, if you’ll only let me finish. Now, as I was saying, you should go to the Central Bureaucratic Office in Humdingerville, Wisconsin, and tell them about your plight, and re-register yourself as female.”
“Can’t say I like the idea, but alright. Anything else?”
“No. Essentially, you’re free to go. Any questions?”
“No.”
Dean rose out of his chair, and started towards the door, then paused.
“Oh yeah, doc, there was once thing…”
“Yes?”
“Could you make my tits a little larger?”

Chapter Four: The Sweet, Sweet Wonders of Bureaucracy

The doors to the CBO building were huge 20-meter tall steel behemoths, designed to keep even the most ardent burglar and/or alien out. Unfortunately, uniformity laws required all government doors to be made out of wormwood, and to be two point two meters in height, and one meter in width, so within two days of completion, the huge steel doors were taken off their hinges, and left in the neighbour’s backyard to rust. In their stead, a regular, Government Issue door was placed, looking oddly out of place in the massive gaping hole that had once housed the ferrite leviathans.

Not caring the least about doors and their ancestry, Dean walked in without giving any of the doors, wooden or not, a second glance.

As he entered the CBO building, he was instantly snatched by one of the minor bureaucrats, and was led to a counter, far, far inside the building. Behind the counter, was a wizened old woman, looking like a cross between Dame Edna and Callista Flockhart. As she opened her mouth to speak, Dean could almost see the dust billow out of her oral cavity. With a nasty, screeching voice, she spoke.

“Yes?”
“Good day, my name’s D…”
“DEAN McCoy, yes, we already know, and we also know everything about your unfortunate little mishap. Terrible accident” she said, without the slightest trace of emotion detectable in her voice. “…terrible, terrible.”
“Yeah, I know. I was there. Anyway…”
“YOU ARE here to get yourself re-registered, yes, we already know that. However, here we run into a little problem, Ms. McCoy. Re-registering is an expensive procedure, one that is not undertaken at the frivolous whim of some,” the Bureaucrat looked over the rim of her glasses at Dean “de… RE-generate tart. To put it frankly, my dear, you will have to perform a favour for us, if we are even to CONSIDER your plea.”
“Damn…”
“EXACTLY Ms. McCoy. Exactly.”
Few people since the days of Lucifer had managed such a diabolic grin, as the one the Bureaucrat was sporting at the moment.
“So… What does this favour entail? Whoring myself out to less than respectable clientele? Capturing bunnies for scientific experimentation?”
“No, Ms. McCoy, something far more sinister than that…”
“Oh lord!”
“SILENCE! We had thought of letting you off the hook easily by paying a hefty fine, but where would the fun be in that? No, our Most Glorious Chief Bureaucrat thought of something far better – you are to rid this planet of the Grey Infestation!”
“Oh lord…” Dean repeated, a little more sullen this time “this is getting stupid.”

Chapter Five: “Nice plan, eh Blinkin?”

“So basically, in order to change one little ‘M’ in my record into an ‘F’, you want me to wipe out an entire alien race from the face of this planet?”
“Correct.”
“But that’s insane! How will I ever be able to perform a task so great, that even the word ‘Herculean’ is insufficient to describe it? Come to think of it, why should I bother? I’ll just refuse, and live out the rest of my life as a male inside a female body!”
If at all possible, the Bureaucrat’s diabolic smile became even more fiendish.
“First of all, Ms. McCoy, your last sentence was a grammatical mess, which will probably never be understood by the rest of humanity, other than me. Secondly, that just WON’T do. You see, now that you’ve brought it to our attention, that you are no longer physically a male, we must update our files. If you refuse to allow us to do so, we will have to kill you.”
“I can handle that. It won’t be the first time!”
“Slowly.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, we KNEW you would see it our way. Now go! There are papers to file!”
And promptly, Dean dropped through a hole in the floor, and slid for hours downwards, only to crash into a heap of compost at his journey’s end.

Getting on his feet, Dean brushed several cute-looking sentient fungi off his jacket, and raised his fist against the Bureaucratic Offices, only to trudge on, well knowing that he would never get out of this mess, until he had done what the Bureaucrats wanted of him. But where could he go? His house was shot to pieces somewhere out in the desert, and the doc had kicked him out of his bed at the earliest opportunity. Just about the only thing he could do, was to take a cab downtown, and get himself a room. Silently cursing all government employees to the deepest pits of hell, he walked down to the otherwise empty road, and hailed a cab.

“So miss, whered’ya wants go?”
“Take me down to downtown Humdingerville. I wanna see if I can’t get some lodgings for the next few days.”
“Lodgings, eh? You know, I’ve got something lodged pretty firmly in my –“
Before the cabbie could finish his potentially disturbing sentence, Dean broke him off.
“Less chatter, more driving! Now get going!”
“Jeez Louise, aren’t we a bit prissy today! Didncha husband ever tell ya how to behave in front of men?!”
“Look pal, I’m paying for this ride. Now, either you start to haul ass into town, or I’ll bash your skull against the tarmac, and drive this rust bucket myself!”
“Aright, aright, I’m going already! Sheez, just my luck…”
“You better believe it, pal…”
And as Dean uttered those words, the cab slowly got closer to town.

Chapter Six: In Which the Faecal Matter Hits the Ventilation Unit

The cab pulled over at the Barton Arms hotel, and Dean, trading barbs with the cabbie, paid him. The cab pulled away from the curb, and as it disappeared over the hill, Dean could see the cabbie making him the recipient of a rather rude gesture. Cursing the cabbie one more time, Dean stepped into the lobby of the, admittedly, rather crummy hotel. The smell of cheap booze and cigarettes immediately assaulted Dean’s nose, but he was used to the odour of bums and vagrants, and paid it no heed. As he looked around the lobby, he noticed several rather disturbing things. Over in one corner, two rather dishevelled fellows were pawing a fat, black cat rather suggestively, and to Dean’s great disgust, the cat seemed to be enjoying this immensely. In another corner, a well dressed, but dirty-looking, fellow was breathing deeply into a telephone receiver. The receiver wasn’t attached to any phone, but this didn’t seem to bother the man very much.

“Barton Arms. A most wretched hive of scum and villainy,” Dean muttered to himself “and this is where I have to stay for the night. Peachy. I wonder if the cabbie dropped me off here as per instruction by the Bureaucrats, or if he did it out of regular spite and malice.”

Dean walked up to the counter, where a freakish sort of person was watching a ball game on an ancient black and white television. Why all the athletes were nude, was anyone’s guess. Without ever moving his eyes from the TV screen, he muttered to Dean.
“Rooms are three bucks a day. There aren’t any toilet facilities, but don’t let that stop ya. Ya still want a room?”
“Sure, as if I had any choice at the moment.” Dean forked over the money.
“Here’s a key. All the locks are the same in this building, so just find a room ya like. If it’s occupied or not is not my problem.” The clerk flicked a key in Dean’s general direction, without batting an eyelid. Not that he could, he seemed to be sorely lacking in the eyelid department.
“Thanks. Good game?”
“Piss off.”
“Got it.”

Dean finally found himself a room that, apart from a few rather lazy rats, wasn’t occupied, and hadn’t been so for quite some time, it seemed. With a heavy sigh, he sat down on the bed in his room, and immediately rose with a yelp. It seemed that one of the springs had, well, sprung, gouging his backside, and leaving a hole in his buttocks that would be the envy of every proctologist if they had known about it. Cursing all gods, aliens, bureaucrats and a certain cab driver, Dean just sat down on the floor, hoping the resident rats wouldn’t take too much offence. After a while, Dean finally managed to fall asleep.

It take long however, for someone to disturb his rest. After an hour or two of restful sleep, the door to his room has bashed in, waking Dean up with a start. In the remains of the doorframe, he saw two muscular fellows, all dressed up in the finest Levi’s silk suits and shades; kitted out to the teeth with various dangerous looking firearms.
“You Dean?” spoke one of the thugs.
“Yeah. And whom do I have the pleasure of speaking to?”
“Your worst nightmare, if you don’t shut the fudge up now.”
Despite the thug’s inept attempt to swear or the inept attempt not to, Dean could sense his barely contained rage, and shut the fudge up. No need to anger the man.
“Now, Miss Dean, our employer has come to understand, that you have been tasked with the assignment of getting rid of greys on this planet. This is true, isn’t it?” Before Dean could answer, the thug broke him off.
“No, don’t answer that. We were speaking, as it were, rhetorically. Now, our employer isn’t all too thrilled about the prospect of the greys leaving, and while you don’t stand a chance in hell of ever completing your mission, he just wants to make sure that you do not attempt to banish them, on the off-chance that you might succeed. And now, just for good measure, my companion and I will give you a sound beating.”

And so they did.

***

Expect more later...

Oh, and all comments are welcome. Seems I never said that before.
I do bugger-all, but that's OK;
I sleep all night, and I read all day!

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