"I can't just, uh, do it. She's the only mum I ever had for fuck's sake."
"Yeah, there's that."
"Look, I came here for help."
"You want to fuck her, right?"
"Never mind..."
"Right?"
"Yes, yes, fine."
"Well, do it."
"I'm not gonna fuck my step-mother."
"Yeah."
Pause.
And so you pause.
And think and brace yourself, not for the love of God or country or self, but for the simple joy found inside that one moment of clarity -- that may or may not come, but still you hope and stare at your mate, uncle, interlocutor -- smiling at him -- not fully knowing or caring about the time at all.
Future, past or present.
And you find yourself -- five minutes later -- still waiting for that (much) needed/wanted clarity -- tapping your foot impatiently; muttering something under your breath -- something beginning with "r",
"Right."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Want more wine?" He asked.
"Sure."
He grabbed another bottle.
Pause.
And you're bored -- happy, but bored. I needed a drink -- another one, sure -- and he was bringing it to me -- smile on his face. It's fun to note the oh so many smiles me and my uncle put on while chatting about nothing in particular (or nothing important).
There are times you wish someone would say something -- stop drooling,
stop muttering, stop over-thinking, stop under-thinking and simply (perhaps) finish the conversation .
"I really should be going."
"Good bye. See you tomorrow."
"How d'you know I'll come by tomorrow?"
"You always do."
"Right. Okay."
I closed the door behind me.
I always enjoy these type of talks with my uncle, I know he's not perfect and neither am I.
The way I see it, we're all a bunch of lost souls, and these talks, these apparently harmless talks -- filled with little compliments and little insults -- make our days here bearable.
It doesn't matter if my words have no value, it doesn't matter if they're all a bunch of lies, all it matters -- deep down -- is that we grow a little on the inside and smile once -- at least once -- every couple of hours.
So I walked down those same old stairs -- leg still hurting -- and I asked Franka how she was doing and she nodded at me with a little smirk on her face and I kissed her then and there and said: "Goodbye" or "See you later."