But I'm being faithful to someone I'm not even with.
Me.
The guy who used to say "never confuse sex with love".
Yes, sex is over-rated and yes, ideally I'd prefer to make love than have sex but I'm going crazy. I'm only human. Or at least I think I am. Sometimes I think I'm a god but that's beside the point. I've spent the past year alternating between warm baths and steamy fantasies about the woman for whom I wait or taking cold showers while trying to calculate in my head the value of Pi down to the last digit.
I could have been having a great time this past year. I could have been making mattress salesmen rich beyond the dreams of avarice as some lucky lady and I wear out bed after bed. Instead I'm suffering beyond my own ability to comprehend, wondering if I've completely lost my mind and mumbling the phrase "dead baby kittens, dead baby kittens" over and over again every time the mere thought of sex crosses my mind and I start feeling aroused.
Sooner or later, this vow of celibacy must end... before it kills me.
In an ideal world, it will end with the woman it was taken for. She will knock on my door, I will open it, she will leap into my arms and we will make mad passionate love and do things that the Catholic Church will never approve of... but more and more each day, I'm forcibly reminded that this is not an ideal world.
What I can say is that when it ends, the woman it ends with (could it be her) is going to be one very, very lucky lady. I am a man of deep passion and I've kept that passion bottled up for over a year now.
I'm ready to explode.
Whoever this woman turns out to be (maybe her, or her, or maybe her or even her) I hope she's ready to take at least six weeks off of work because for a month, we'll only be stopping for food and water as required to further fuel the flames of our passion and we'll be sleeping only when we pass out from exhaustion. The remaining two weeks will be reserved strictly for rest and recuperation.
(Author's Note: The author would like to note that shortly after the photo shoot for this issue's cover, his vow of celibacy came to an abrupt end as the author and the model enaged in a marathon sex session that showed no mercy and took no prisoners.
The photographer was miraculously able to retain her composure and captured the entire sweaty, steamy session in full colour. Selected still photos will soon be available on a special Adults Only paid section of the site.)
(Author's Note #2: The author would like to note that the above note is a complete and utter lie. His vow of celibacy remains intact and the only thing that happened after the photo shoot was that the author took yet another in a seemingly endless series of cold showers. He did however manage to calculate, in his head, the value of Pi down to the last digit. He is currently writing a book about it guaranteed to piss off the entire mathematics community. The book is set for publication some time in the summer of 2031.)