The 13 Commandments of Our Lord Fish
as relayed by Brother Joseph and Brother Magnus
And Lo, didst Saint Al the Apostle swimeth unto the Great Reef where his eyes didst behold the Burning Plankton. And through the Burning Plankton came one of the Arch Sea Anemones, riding atop a Golden Sea Horse. And Lo, didst Saint Al the Apostle know fear and trembling. And Lo, didst the Arch Sea Anemone spake unto him:
"Do not fear, O' Al the Apostle, for Our Lord Fish has chosen you to receive the greatest of His gifts; His Sacred Commandments. Thou shalt go forth unto the Darkest of Deeps where you will cometh unto the Octopus's Garden. And within, you will find the Sacred Guardian of Many Multi-Coloured Psychedelic Tentacles who has been tasked since before Time to guard these Holy Words. And there, thou shalt prove thineself worthy of bringing Our Lord Fish's Sacred Words forth unto the world that all may know His Love and Dietary Restrictions, by wrestling the Scared Guardian into submission in two out of three falls."
And Lo, this didst fill Saint Al the Apostle with a mighty purpo(i)se, and Lo, didst Saint Al the Apostle swimeth forth unto the Darkest of Deeps, and Lo, didst Saint Al the Apostle swimeth unto the Octopus's Garden, where he didst wrestle the Guardian of Many Multi-Coloured Psychedelic Tentacles for the Coral Tablets, upon which the Sacred Edicts of Fish were engraven.
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Scholar's Note: The italicised text is the commentary of the Prophet Ralph
I) Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Fish in vain nor shalt thou curse in an Aquarium, for it is a Holy place unto Fish.
Unless of course, you really mean it.
II) Thou shalt have no other fish before me.
But if you do, that's ok for Our Lord Fish is not a jealous, petty, vindictive, vainglorious god like some other gods I could mention and He doesn't buy into this whole "sins of the father visited upon the sons until the third and fourth generations" malarkey.
III) Thou shalt keep Wednesday Holy, for it was upon this day the Lord thy Fish created the Tea Leaves.
Yeah, I don't get it either, but just do as our Lord Fish says. It will save you a lot of trouble later.
IV) Thou shalt not eat fish fingers on Friday.
Or any day for that matter since fish have no fingers.
V) Honour thy single celled Amoeba that thine days shall be long in the Aquarium, for they were the first of the Lord thy Fish's Children.
Our Lord Fish understands that not all mothers and fathers are honourable so stick to the Amoeba and you'll be ok.
VI) Thou shalt not kill. Period.
There are exceptions to this but they'd take too long to list here so when in doubt, pray to our Lord Fish for guidance.
Commandment VI, SubCommandment A: If thou art planning on an illegal invasion of another country, knowest that thou shalt ever be denied my Love and Forgiveness and considered to be an inbred drooling idiot by all thou shalt meet for the rest of thine days.
I'm still mulling this one over though the Tea Leaves keep pointing to the month of March in the year 2003 as a key point for fully understanding the only SubCommandment Our Lord Fish passed down to us.
VII) Thou shalt not commit adultery. Period.
Unless he/she/it is really hot and he/she/it's spouse is out of town for a few days and you haven't gotten any for a really really long time.
VIII) Thou shalt not steal. Period.
Unless you're stealing from the rich who probably stole to get rich in the first place, in which case, while two wrongs don't make a right, they can, in certain mitigating circumstances, cancel each other out.
IX) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Period.
Unless of course your neighbour is greek, in which case Our Lord Fish understands.
X) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's aquarium, nor thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass…
Not that there's anything wrong with that as is evident by the omission of "thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's husband".
XI) Cherish the Divine Droppings of the Lord thy Fish, but be not afraid to share His Feces with thine neighbour.
Unless he covets it, in which case you are permitted to taunt him with it. Not enough to make him angry but just enough to feel smug about yourself.
XII) Thou shalt taunt, ridicule and maketh fun of greeks where ever thou shalt find them for they art a sad lot of toga wearing sheep sodomising feta eating olive pickers.
I know that the teachings of Our Lord Fish are all about love but, well, Our Lord Fish just doesn't like greeks in any way other than a source of comic relief.
XIII) Thou shalt recycle your waste and not dump it into the Sea, for it doth give the Lord thy Fish a nasty cough.
Seriously, take some responsibility for the world Our Lord Fish gave us.
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And Lo, didst Saint Al the Apostle, upon reading these Holy Edicts, become filled with a sense of Peace and Love. And Lo, didst Saint Al the Apostle begin to swimeth back unto the world to spread the Gospels of Fish and to bring unto the world His Commandments, that the world might be a better place.
And Lo, as Saint Al the Apostle did swimeth he sang a Hymn unto the Lord Fish:
"This is the dawning of the Age of Aquariums…"
And Lo, as Saint Al the Apostle breached the crest of the waves and felt the warmth of the sun upon his upturned face he wondered unto himself "What exactly dost "Lo" really mean?"