Written Warning

Bitch sticks: a rant of epic stupidity

by apoxuponme

I enjoy writing.

More specifically, I enjoy writing about personal, mundane things that no other human being would find interesting other than myself and perhaps my therapist Rochelle, and that is why I post here, on the internet, where writing about personal, mundane things that no other human being would find interesting other than myself is a way of life. Thank you Al Gore for inventing the internet. You are super cool!

Two days ago, I was released from the bondage of the employed and was allowed free reign to do anything that my mildly retarded mind could think of. With the world as my oyster on my day off, I spent the day playing Knights of the Old Republic and drinking beer.

On a side note, with the extreme humidity and above 30 degree temperatures that I have experienced here in southern Ontario in the past few days, I would like to officially announce that playing Knights of the Old Republic is now “clothing optional”.

I am sure you are glad that I put that mental image into your mind.

Let us continue.

Anyway, I was enjoying my beers and Jedi swashbuckling and nakedness when I noticed that I was close to running out of smokes. I am of the tribe of menthol lovers, so I smoke the Kool’s. I used to smoke bitch sticks, also known as “cigarettes designed for women”, but I realized eventually that the Cameo’s I was smoking were not manly enough, with it’s Victorian upper-class woman on the package and old woman aura.

I suddenly realized that a grown man smoking Cameo’s was pretty faggy, so I switched to the Kool’s, which, just like the advertisements say, “makes you much less faggy and a lot more Kool!!!”.

“My usual, toot sweet! Pack ‘o Kool’s, my good man! Off with you lad, and be lively!” I say as I make my presence known at 7-11.

This time, Apu pulled a curve ball on me in my state of inebriation. He suggested to me a new brand of smokes. A new brand? I think not, Mr. Lipshits!

Apu explained to me that they were menthol as well and were in fact nearly 2 dollars cheaper! Well, I was drunk, so I was sold. 2 dollars cheaper means that I save 2 dollars when I spend money, and nothing makes me more joyful than sticking it to the man so I buy the pack of Matinee’s and go home to finish off the beer’s and continue my struggle against the Sith.

The next morning, I wake up behind the shed in my back yard holding a lawn gnome in what I can only call a “romantic embrace”. No matter. I’ve done worse. I go inside and prepare for work. The Matinee’s go into my pocket and I am off.

I light up the first smoke of the day and puff at it, trying to get something from it. I am getting no satisfaction from this smoke! What is this unsatisfying thing that I am smoking?! A tea bag?! Lawn clippings?! The cremated remains of Keanu Reeves?! Something must be wrong. I check out the package and realize what I have done. I can’t believe it! Apu sold me bitch sticks! I am smoking “slims”!!! Why don’t I just put on lipstick, some panty hose and prance myself around in my new pink sun dress?! My god!

I spent half the day doing my best to finish off this pack of cigarettes that was designed to be smoked by old creepy Aunts and grandmother’s named Blanch. I got to the end of the work day and gave in by spending the 63 dollars it takes to buy a pack of decent man smokes at the local store.

If you take away anything from this dumb post, take this: Kool’s are the best cigarettes out there and are way better than any bitch stick you will ever find and they are totally masculine not gay at all… And don’t smoke ever, because it’s bad for you and you will die just like me. And don’t do drugs!

Thank you, goodnight.

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