Sit On the Pews
Sit On the Pews and Be Filled With God From the Bum Upwards
This is The Commandments of Child Naming, an ongoing holy sermon, in seven holy parts, with seven holy lights of Heaven shining in seven rays of perfect holy light on the seven corners of the friggin’ world, written and performed by holy Supreme Lord APOXUPONME, Second in line to the Holy Jewel of The Cradle of Eden located in Enid, Oklahoma at 42 Edna street, ordained in the First Father of the Church of Jesus H. Christ! You said it, sister!
Alright, everybody calm down for Christ’s sakes! The sermon will begin momentarily… Please be seated in the pews in a timely manner. Thank you and God bless you… and God bless pews as well, because pews are the only holy place to sit yourself on. If you sit on anything other than a pew, your butt will burn in the butt version of Hell, also known as Preparation H-ell! So, sit on the pews and be filled with God from the bum upwards towards the soul as we await for the sermon from his holiness…
Oh, congregation! Congregation of the father and the son and the Holy Ghost, I love you all in non-homosexual ways, except for the sinners and the homosexuals which will of course burn...
My congregation. My flock that would not have existed without the light of the holy father and also his illegitimate bastard son and his holy ghost and also the holy ghost’s rarely mentioned roommate in college that drank too much and that roommate’s ghost as well which was not as holy as he really said he was. Seriously, he kept creeping all the ladies out when we would invite them back for some innocent bible reading and possible group sex and he would be all like “I am a ghost! Whooo! Look at me, I frighten you! Whooooooo!”. Honestly, that stuff that was pretty cool for the first few minutes, but it got old pretty fast. Anyway, I welcome you to my sermon oh my brothers, sisters and hermaphrodites.
I have a lesson to teach all of you hermaphrodites, my brothers and sisters, my flock, my followers, you ingrate sinners about naming your child correctly in the eyes of the Lord (me) and I guess God as well. I will tell you of the visions I have seen and the lessons I have learned about the rules of child naming. Praise the Lord and Richard Simmons!
One month ago, I was in my basement, constructing a shrine for the tomato I grew with the face of Jesus on it. It was then that I was taken by a holy desire to sacrifice a goat in the name of my Lord Jesus. This was obviously a sign from God. I placed the half made Jesus tomato shrine on my workbench next to the shrine for the copper tube with the face of Jesus on it, which was next to the shrine for the piece of lint that looks like Jesus, the pair of pants with the bleach stain that was in the form of Jesus and the basket of the other tomatoes that I had grown that had the face of Jesus on them and I headed off to the market to buy a goat to kill for God.
Well, I went down to the market and tried to buy a goat. Do you know how much a goat cost? It’s like, almost a hundred dollars! Blasphemy, I say! I wasn’t going to let greedy sinners that sell livestock for ridiculous amounts of money get away with such soul staining acts. I waited for the right moment and hid the baby goat under my trenchcoat and started for the door. Suddenly and hand is on my shoulder and I turn to see a security guard standing there; “Alright sonny, we all saw you put that goat in your coat! You are a thief and you’re coming to the manager’s office with me.” I only had a moment to think, so I maced the dumbass bastard with my anti-rape pepper spray keychain and ran off with the goat still in my possession! Ha ha! The Lord vanquishes his foes again! Ha! They never caught me and never will!
The First Commandment of Child Naming
Three weeks ago, I was in my front yard attempting to summon the spirit of the Virgin Mary so she could materialize and maybe help me with some heavy lifting. You see, I am trying to build a deck in my back yard all on my own and it’s a bit of a struggle sometimes, with the boards and cement and stuff. You know how it is… Anyway, as I sat there in my sinless garden full of Jesus faced tomatoes, I had an image in my head of the Pope, swinging a large dead eel and screaming about something called “The First Commandment of Child Naming”. This is what the vision told me:
First off, you sick, sin filled person, you must make sure that the name you pick is not able to be used as a playground insult in the early years of your child’s life for the good of all things holy and right in this world. For example: “Tony baloney phony baloney baloney!” and “Lisa the leaning tower of Piza, likes to drink her own pee-za!” and “Chuck, Chuck, go take a flying hockey puck in the head and then die!”, or something even worse and satanic involving the f-word or the d-word. Even one of the greatest fore-fathers of the United States of America must have been known at least once as “Stinkin’ Lincoln” in his early days. But, that’s not Abe’s fault. It’s his parents fault for being the followers of the satanic patron saint of bad last names and they will burn.
What I am preaching to you is that it is quite easy for any immature child on the playground or bored and slightly drunk writer of articles on websites to make fun of names very, very easily, so help me God and his ghost roommate! It is so easy to succumb to the powers of Satan and his army of evil evil-doers and quickly come up with something to hurt the soul of your child forever! And all of that with the bait of a simple name like Lisa! These things can quickly lead your new offspring on the dark road to worshiping Satan in the basements of unclean men in plad jackets that you see on the bad side of town listening to their devil rock and biting the heads off turtles. You don’t want that, do you? I didn’t think so. Also, think twice about naming your child Richard as well, because we all know in the playground he’s going to be a “Dick!” in a matter of minutes and remain a “Dick!” for years and years. Don’t call your son a dick, in the name of God and the Bible, praise Jesus, amen!
The Second Commandment of Child Naming
Two weeks ago I was walking down the street, searching for my gold crucifix that I had lost in a knife fight with a devil worshipping thug named Kip when I saw a puddle of water mixed with gasoline that formed itself into the image of Jesus’ kneecap. “The holy kneecap of our Lord!” I says to myself. It was then that the kneecap of Jesus spoke to me and taught me the second rule of child naming:
Don’t give your child a name that is “trendy”. Your child will regret it and you as a parent will wake up one normal Saturday one April and wonder to yourself why you let yourself be consumed by the powers of the interloper and why you succumbed to his powers of carnal child naming knowledge. You might even do something terrible like work on a Sunday, the holy seventh day of rest! You must be taking drugs of some kind. Were you on the pot!? Were you taking the pot?! You must have been on the pot, because you had the idiotic mind to name your firstborn child something evil and unholy like Miller, Justice, Scout, Chase, Summer, Dakota, Miracle or Apple (apologies to my friend Cheryl and my cousin Carolyn for two of those names, but you are sin filled evil people and I must out you for it, as it is my duty). Your children will forever be marked with the number of the beast because of you taking the pot and God will not allow them into his holy shrine of joy and free movie passes. You were on the pot! I hope you are happy, you bong hitting serpent-spawn!
The Third Commandment of Child Naming
Last week, after successfully summoning Pope Pius IV into my Circle of Summoning, Pius and I were making little pope hats for tiny kitty cats and nibbling on a plate of chimichangas and drinking Yoo-Hoo, which is the nectar of the God’s, or so The Pi tells me. I tried to ask him why his parents named him “Pius” and if he were prepared to burn in Hell for such a dumbass name, but he didn’t hear me and explained to me the third commandment of child naming.
You want to make sure that it has a cool short form for close friends when they get older and go to college or join the army or get dead end jobs. Allow me to tell you a story that I think will help you understand the importance of this most holy rule of child naming that didn’t actually happen to me, but it really did, okay?
About 2 months ago, my boss was passing around a baby pool around the office so we could all partake in the sin filled act of betting on the sex, weight and date of the birth of his second child. Well, being the perfect vessel of holy light that I am, I am always right about these things and put in 200 dollars and waited for the results to come. A few days later, I was fired for predicting his child would be born as a 64 inch long, 25 pound hermaphrodite. He asked me to explain myself and why I put that on the form and why I had also said that it would grow up to be the supreme lord of all hermaphrodites and would end up killing us all in “Hermaphrodite Judgment Day”. Well, this breeder of hermaphrodites did not deserve any kind of explanation from me, especially because he was the father of the future lord of the hermaphrodite army, so I walked out of that job by being removed from the premises by security. I have moved on to better things since then. In the future, I know that we will all be forced to welcome our new hermaphrodite overlords because that is what I was told! By Jesus! I am so righteous!
On the other hand, I have another friend that just had a baby which thankfully was not born as a hermaphrodite. It was born as a girl and he and his wife named her “Ila”. At first, I thought it was a name of the darkness and one of the fallen angels that snort peyote and shoot up on the hashish and sniff gas from oily rags. The name of Ila also fit very closely into the last category of trendy yuppie names that will cause all involved to burn in the lakes of fire for all eternity, until I realized that her real close friends later on in life were going to short her name to “I”. That is so perfect! I love short forms for names, like mine: Jeez, although personally I prefer Savior.
It is said in the book of Revelations 8:4:
“Hermaphrodites will take over the world and kill all inferior single sexed people at about noon on June 4th 2014, which is henceforth known as “Hermaphrodite Judgment Day”. All single sexed humans will be destroyed, except for apoxuponme because he always washes their cars on Sunday’s in the hot sun, wearing nothing but tight red shorts and getting all soapy and wet, pressing his smooth body against the hot metal of the car. Hermaphrodites like to see that, oh yeah. Yeah, wash those hubcaps. Yeah, that’s right...”
That’s Revelations 8:4… True story.
The Fourth Commandment of Child Naming
Only yesterday, as I was carving John 3:16 into my forehead with a knife blessed by a Jewish Rabbi from the Jew place down the street when my friend Murphy came running in and laid his hands upon my forehead. “I will heal your cancer, my son!” he screamed. “But, I don’t even have cancer.” I explained to him. It mattered not. I then was struck by none other than “The Rapture” at that point and I lost all bodily functions, ruining my favorite pants. Murphy then shined a flashlight into my eyes and explained to me that what I was seeing was the holy light of Jesus, because the flashlight was not a normal flashlight, but a holy flashlight, blessed by a priest and everything! This light filled me with no less than 57 points of harmful UV rays and also gave me the knowledge to tell the world of the fourth commandment of child naming. Praise Coppertone!
For Christ’s sake, don’t spell it differently and in an odd way on the birth certificate forms, for Christ’s sake! If your kids name is Tom, don’t spell it Thom. Thom?! Seriously, Thom?! Why would you do that, for Christ’s sake? Sincerely, if you are from a country that something like that is the norm, you are obviously from a country that is in one of the circles of Hell! Also, if your kids name is Jeff, don’t spell it Geoff. What is wrong with you Satan worshipping people, naming your kids like that!? You are obviously overcome by the powers of the serpent of darkness and maybe eating mushrooms with a side order of human flesh sandwiches and cheddar! You make me want to vomit, you sons of bitches!
There was one time when I was walking down a dark street, looking for homeless people to convert to my holy cause of cleaning up my basement in the name of the lord Jesus when I came upon 2 homeless men eating franks and beans from a can. I joined them in their hearty meal and learned that their names were Thom and Geoff. Suddenly, my ring of Jesus power began to glow white and I sprang up and kicked these sinners with my Boots of Kicking until they stopped moving and then unsummoned them with the holy power of my spell of “Jesus Power Action +5”. I am awesome…
After that one encounter, I have never met another “Tee-Ohm!!!” or a “Gee-Off!!!” and am thankful for it because they are obviously followers of the devil demons and the snakes of Hell and the evil pigeons downtown that like to poop on you for no reason at all. They just do it at random and ruin your favorite shirt and you have to walk all the way home with satanic bird crap on your shoulder… That really sucks.
To sum up, naming your child without following these commandments will cause your son or daughter to be consumed by an unholy demon of darkness and they will eventually fall into the pit of Hell and I will be there with good book in hand on the edge of the pit that they are in so I can see them suffering and I will constantly tell them ”I told you so!”, and they will then understand that their parents ways were wrong and I was right all along and then they will pray to me for mercy and I will then laugh at them because they are a sin filled sack of puss that will burn for eternity!!!
Jesus loves you…