I Hate Monkeys
by apoxuponme
I am in a bad mood and I really need to hate something.
You know, the only thing that I feel comfortable degrading in these politically correct times is the monkeys. Yes, those friggin’ primates! Did you know they eat their own poop? Did you also know that they also eat other monkey’s poops, they like to throw poop, that if they were able to use a computer the first thing they would Google for his hardcore scat porn mostly because of their love of poop? Did you know that the primary ranged weapon in a monkey vs. monkey battle is rocks? Just kidding. It’s not rocks, it’s poop.
Bastards! I hate them all! Sure, you got some interesting ones, like that so called Bobo that scientists have cooped up in a cage at Harvard or somewhere that can read sign language or something. Wow, big accomplishment there you god damned monkey! How long did it take the scientists to starve you enough for you to learn that piece of high intelligence? What an ass!
What about that monkey that is a bartender in Las Vegas, you say? To hell with him! It is well known that if a monkey isn’t sitting in a tree busy picking his nose and throwing poo or in a cage somewhere at a zoo and throwing poo, they are in bars drinking and smoking, mooching drinks off of idiots that think it’s “cute” for this lower race to hang out and serve drinks and kiss women because it’s “cute”.
Monkeys make me want to puke! I am here to tell you that the primates are all idiots! I bet you that Bobo, after he’s done signing “Banana please. I starve!” and “The circumference of the sphere is pi multiplied by 4, so says The Great Bobo!!!”, he is thinking about being alone in his cage so he can eat his own shit!
I hate monkeys. And with good reason! Not only do they like the taste and consistency of poop, but they also drink pee as well. Their views on the middle-east are practically non-existent! They like Yanni! If a mother monkey is in a pissed off mood after birth, she eats her own young, which I don’t know about you but, that’s not the way people should behave in my book I tell you that right now.
The man monkeys are totally Cro-Magnon! They like, fight over women monkeys in battles to the death! I mean, I’ve taped and studied all the monkey documentaries on PBS, and these films are the one true and believable propaganda that the monkey haters have ever unleashed upon the world! Like this one time, I watched these two guy monkeys beat the crap out of each other for the “claim” of the group. The big monkey won (big surprise!), and ended up mating with this girl monkey doggie style, I guess as a reward for being the best monkey in the jungle or something. And then, the narrator came on and talked about how fascinating the whole thing was!:
“Koko and Paul are challenging each other for supremacy of the clan… Koko is bigger, but Paul has a greater reach and is the odds on favorite for this match up of big time monkey fighting, right here!… on!… P.B.S.”
Okay, he didn’t say it that way, but you must agree that it would have been totally cool if he had…
Anyway, I hate monkeys. They suck.
I feel better now.
Note – This article was originally published on the old Winterwind Productions site in March, 2005, prior to our switch to WordPress in 2020.
Est. and online since 2003!
- The Winterwind Shorts - May 7, 2021
- Hot Karl is Coming! - April 28, 2021
- The Art of Mixing - February 25, 2021
