On Life

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Baley
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On Life

Post by Baley » Thu Apr 13, 2006 11:14 pm

On Life





I was one of them fortunate sons, born in the middle-class flats of Toxania, eyes wide open from day one, looking after the money we all loved so much, surveying the highs and lows of Mount Indulgence, impotent to the wishes of my father before me, uncaring to gazes of mother dearest on her throne of manure. I laughed and laughed. Kept on laughing all through my childhood, became a clown in my adolescence, making crude jokes on the streets and singing in the rain like a fucking buffoon.

I grew up, got me some cars and chicks and drugs and bones, started eating at the finest restaurant, sleeping with the lowliest bitches, kissing the boots of all them rich pigs in oily suits.

It all happened one Friday. Have you ever seen the rain flowing down some modern building all dressed in glossy apparel? Well I've lived a long time and seen many things, but nothing like that, nothing big, my eyes aren't like that, I'm weak and frail, good at counting dough in seven languages and snorting white stuff off dirty counters.

They came, I was listening to some old Hank Williams songs, keeping a beat with my eyes locked from the inside, sitting in my Porsche and making strange faces at the passing children with their pointy heads and gloomy snore-inducing mugs.

I was licking the windshield, some kind of devil juice had lead me into that particular situation, unaware of the cosmic imbalance that echoed all around me. Buzzing sounds from buzzing windows, dying children singing in unison bout their uncles and their uncles' uncles, all happy and shiny.

Saintly figures were surrounding my car, I was still inside, hand tightly squeezing my dog's rubber thingamajig. They shouted my name. They shouted their God's name. They shouted things like salvation, abstinence and holiness. I unzipped my trousers and showed them where they could stick all that garbage.

They jumped on me, eyes staring, mouths muttering some inane shit, all in white, all in black, all in green and orange too.

Capitalism, Socialism, Fascism, Communism, Liberty and Death. Boofuckinghoo!! The Night was young, I was lying head down, fixated on an invisible spot spawned from my mind's detachment. It was all so chaotic, one minute some clearly devout asshole was pounding my face, the other the cops were howling curses, throwing axes and spears and coca-cola bottles at the fleeing silent majority.

My head felt free, my body felt numb, my eyes felt weary, my hair felt all classless and subdued. Rebellion was being delivered unto the world, shallow, hollow and dumb, children with sticks fighting in the name of God, for God, with God. Children with swords fighting for powers, children with baseball bats fighting just because they were all alone and scared of the big bad world.

Well, I didn't care about all that stuff, right then and there all I could think about was a cup of coffee and a Thai massage from that Asian chick I had been seeing for a couple weeks, saving some cash and moving out of this hellhole, somewhere tropical and sunny perhaps.

...

Comments would indeed be appreciated.

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Joseph
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Post by Joseph » Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:28 pm

I'm rather intrigued by the cynical outlook on someone of your young age. Not that chronological age has any bearing on intelligence or experience so no offense intended.

On a critical level, there are a few mistakes with spelling and punctuation. Would you prefer them pointed out or just edited for you? Aassuming of courseyou care about such things. :wink:

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Baley
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Post by Baley » Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:39 pm

I'm thinking 2 are intentional, but yes, I would indeed wish them pointed out. Thank you.

As for the cynicism, I live in Romania, probably the most obtuse place in the whole world. It's like one of those insipid gags on TV, but instead of quietly surrendering to the sea of forgotten Television programmes, it just keeps on running, undisturbed.

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Joseph
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Post by Joseph » Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:50 pm

OK, I'll go ahead with pointed them out:
It all happened one Friday, have you ever seen the rain ...
This should be two separate sentences.
Well I've lived a long time and seen many a things,
This should read as either "many things" or "many a thing".
but nothing like that, nothing big, my eyes aren't like that,
This should be 2, possibly three sentences. Though I myself am a fan of constructing ong sentences with commas, there's also the virtue of impact with short, succint sentences. Also, "doe" should be spelled as "dough". Unless you're counting female deers? :D
They came, I was listening to some old Hank Williams songs...
"They came" is a complete sentence.
I was licking the windshield,
Should also be a complete sentence.
Saintly figures were surrounding my car,
Again, a complete sentence.
Rebellion was being delivered unto the world, shallow, hollow and dumb,
I'd make this 2 sentences. As well with "Children" as the start of a third.
Well, I didn't care about all that stuff,
Again, that's a complete sentence imo.

Your use of commas may be stylistic so just consider this my opinion.

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Baley
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Post by Baley » Fri Apr 14, 2006 5:09 pm

Thanks, I've made some modifications to the text, but I prefer the more messy comma-driven look in some places.

I've been thing about resurrecting that teenage poetry thread from 2004, the thing is whatever I might decide on posting, and note that I hardly ever write poems, would probably be less angsty than the norm.

Something like this:

My dog ate a kid last Sunday
They called him John
Little John the Shining Prince
Hero of the forest
He was barely five years old
Lived in Princeton Ohio
Ten minutes from my house
His parents loved him
His teachers gushed with praise
He was always the first to answer
All the questions they always ask
But he's dead now
His remains in the washroom
Bleaching politely.

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