My poem

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Fluffy17
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My poem

Post by Fluffy17 » Thu Jan 08, 2009 1:19 am

I waltz along the Herald of the Apocalypse
And bring Life into its sarcophagus
While my cousin brings closure, I find openings
I leave them in the shackles of Mephistopheles
I walk naked with pride into the acropolis
I see my sister and find envy in the hymn she sings
I wish her ill and I strike her down making our home a necropolis
However a pang of remorse is suddenly in my esophagus
I pray, fast and seek penance for this sin
My redemption came in the form of my dying kin
Who looked into my eyes, and clenched her breath
Whispered, “I’m sorry.” Then had her rendezvous with death
I have no time for flat characters why should I have times for flat people?

I'm Otto von Bismarck watch me blow, watch the butterflies coming out of my nose.

"You can't choose what bothers you, that's why it bothers you."

-Rachel Duncan

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Firstborn
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Post by Firstborn » Fri Jan 09, 2009 10:58 pm

Very Greek. A Tragedy in an ancient setting, with a bitter redemption at the end. Some kind of Oedipus-ish syndrome going on with the sister there perhaps? Hm? ;)

I liked the rhyming and that you used such interesting words. Not often I find the word "esophagus" in a poem. :)

I think your poem would benefit from being broken up in to maybe two verses though. Unless you are out for that Shakespearian feel of cause.
"Love isn't blind, it's retarded!"

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Fluffy17
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Post by Fluffy17 » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:53 am

yeah originally the poem is from a story that I wrote that involved two sisters that were jealous of each other. Sadly the story never got off the ground

and if you want the inspiration for the rhyming here it is I recommend it.
I have no time for flat characters why should I have times for flat people?

I'm Otto von Bismarck watch me blow, watch the butterflies coming out of my nose.

"You can't choose what bothers you, that's why it bothers you."

-Rachel Duncan

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Joseph
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Post by Joseph » Thu Jan 15, 2009 2:05 am

I'm not big on poetry personally. Which is strange considering I wrote a tonne back when I was a teenager. But I do like this one.

And I have to applaud you for working in Mephistopheles. Until now, I was the only one here to do it and that was in an old Latrine article.

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Gorth
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Post by Gorth » Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:24 am

Firstborn wrote:I liked the rhyming and that you used such interesting words. Not often I find the word "esophagus" in a poem. :)
It makes it sound kind of "naughty", but it *is* very Greek :lol:

Very nice Fluffy... sounds kind of personal in a Greek disguise?
A dyslexic walks into a bra...

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Firstborn
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Post by Firstborn » Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:30 pm

Fluffy17, that guy you linked to do know his rhymes! :)
"Love isn't blind, it's retarded!"

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Fluffy17
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Post by Fluffy17 » Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:29 pm

Gorth wrote:
Firstborn wrote:I liked the rhyming and that you used such interesting words. Not often I find the word "esophagus" in a poem. :)
It makes it sound kind of "naughty", but it *is* very greek :lol:

Very nice Fluffy... sounds kind of personal in a greek disguise?
Well my sisters hate each other is that enough :wink:
I have no time for flat characters why should I have times for flat people?

I'm Otto von Bismarck watch me blow, watch the butterflies coming out of my nose.

"You can't choose what bothers you, that's why it bothers you."

-Rachel Duncan

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Bardawill
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Post by Bardawill » Sun Jan 25, 2009 8:30 pm

Josan wrote:I'm not big on poetry personally. Which is strange considering I wrote a tonne back when I was a teenager.
Everyone writes poetry as a teenager.
Usually excruciatingly BAD angst-ridden poems of epic putridness that should all be burned, then the ashes buried under nuclear waste just before it is encased in cement to be aviod in perpetuity.

I found some of mine a few years ago. I shedded, then burned, then buried the bits left over in a swamp, and then left town just to be on the safe side.

It was beyond the very worse of Vogonity awfulness.

:shock:
Stab at me who will, no stab my soul can kill.

W. Raleigh

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Trailer Park Jesus
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Post by Trailer Park Jesus » Mon Jan 26, 2009 2:08 am

any poem tath ends with death is good. rock on fluffy
magnus wants me. he's so gay.

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Gorth
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Post by Gorth » Mon Jan 26, 2009 3:51 am

Bardawill wrote: Everyone writes poetry as a teenager.
Crap, I knew I was missing something important :look:
A dyslexic walks into a bra...

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Firstborn
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Post by Firstborn » Mon Jan 26, 2009 12:25 pm

Bardawill wrote: Everyone writes poetry as a teenager.
Good, good! I can use this... Cause that means I'll remain a teenager as long as I write crappy angst infused poetry right? I'm gonna be the youngest 65 year old there is! :D

Excellent.. *in manner of Mr Burns*
"Love isn't blind, it's retarded!"

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Trailer Park Jesus
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Post by Trailer Park Jesus » Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:18 am

my ninjas slay all day
my hookers with me they play
my dick is so big
got me a porn gig
but i don't do the porn thats gay
magnus wants me. he's so gay.

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Firstborn
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Post by Firstborn » Tue Feb 03, 2009 4:18 pm

Hey! SPJ, you do have some talent for writing. :)
"Love isn't blind, it's retarded!"

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Jan
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Post by Jan » Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:41 pm

I got one too:

I'm boozing

glop
glop
glop
glop
glop
glop
glop
glop
glop
glop
until I drop.


Cheers mates! :lol:

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Fluffy17
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Post by Fluffy17 » Wed Feb 18, 2009 5:49 pm

South Park Jesus wrote:any poem tath ends with death is good. rock on fluffy
Thanks for the compliment :D
I have no time for flat characters why should I have times for flat people?

I'm Otto von Bismarck watch me blow, watch the butterflies coming out of my nose.

"You can't choose what bothers you, that's why it bothers you."

-Rachel Duncan

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