apoxuponme’s Guide to Working in a Call Center

apoxuponme’s Guide to Working in a Call Center

by apoxuponme

(subliminal message = bad day at work today)

I have been working in the call center environment in many different capacities for over 3 years now and consider myself the foremost expert on pretty much everything, including call centers. With that being said, and with my vast knowledge and innate skills of bitter sarcasm +3, I write this of my own free will and for the benefit of all humankind.

Dress Code: Clothing, It’s Who You Are!

The way you look is what I like to call “Super Utmost Important” for working in the call center environment. You are representing a company here, folks. Make sure you dress as such. It is suggested that before you begin working for [insert call center company name here], you should buy a line of clothing that will allow you to fit in better with your co-workers. Imagine your shame if you were to show up for work and you were not wearing something from Fubu or Phat Pharm, or if you did not have a gold neck chain with appropriate giant Chinese dragon or silver New York Yankees medallion. I am sure you would agree with me that this shame is something that you would want to avoid.

T-shirts are not allowed to be worn at any time, unless you use the t-shirt as a bandana. T-shirts worn as bandanas are okay.

If you are female, tight fitting shirts are suggested if you want preferential treatment from your supervisor. The tighter the shirt, the more likely you will be given more responsible duties, like long lunches at the bar with your supervisor, personal meetings with your supervisor at the bar and long hours after work with your supervisor and his friends at bars and, if you are especially good, his apartment.

Conversations: Talking With Your “Outside Voice”

At the workplace, conversation with your fellow co-workers should be limited to the following topics:
-car modifications
-complaints about vacation time
-drug deals
-your kids
-your babysitter
-complaints about your babysitter
-your deadbeat ex-husband
-you sexual escapades
-your hair
-other peoples hair
-jokes that start with “You might be a redneck if-“

Normally at the workplace, being loud, obnoxious, and offensive is frowned upon. However, in the call center these mannerisms are a positive boon! If you are in a sales job at your call center, be sure to scream into people’s ears “I’M IN ‘DA HAAOOUUUCCEEE!!!” when you get a sale. It helps not just you, it helps everyone. If you not selling in your job and you are providing tech support instead, try this. Close your eyes and imagine that you are angry at a retarded, deaf person. Now, open your eyes and begin troubleshooting with the customer, imagining them as that retarded person. This will surely allow you to blend in with the rest of your employees in the correct way.

When not speaking to your valued customers as if they are deaf retards, try your best to use a monotone voice, not unlike a zombie. Also, having a limited understanding of the english language will help you give the customer a sense of calmness and peace. This especially helps when you are talking to a customer that’s upset. The bored tone of your voice will set the customer at ease and will portray you as a skilled and confident worker.

Your sexual orientation is normally no one’s business but your own, but in the call center, talking about your sexual preference is the business itself! If your have “gay pride”, talk constantly about your pride and how great it is to be gay and share stories with other proud people about the adventures of being gay. And, always remember, do this while talking with your “outside voice”. This goes for heterosexual girls who are sluts as well, by the way. People will respect you all the more!

Company Policies: They Are There to Help

If you expect a pay raise after 2 years of service to the company, you should also expect to be disappointed soon afterwards. Always be aware that your supervisor will most likely be a college kid and college kids hate paperwork and will rush through a 2 year review. Complaining about your 2 year review is grounds for dismissal.

Never put your jacket on the back of your chair, as that is a fire hazard and could hinder someone from getting to an exit when they are fleeing from a fire, which could possibly have been caused by a jacket that was placed on the back of a chair.

Never, and I mean never ask to have a list of phone numbers that you use all day long to be photocopied. Copies of phone numbers are not allowed and is punishable by a written warning in your file. If you need a phone number, you must consult the companies’ web page that contains roughly 300 links to other web pages with more links (most of them dead). Feel free to place to customer on hold during the 6 minutes it will take to find the correct phone number for him. The customer will appreciate the correct phone number all the more!

Your work area should be always filled with all the required paperwork, most of which is out of date and will never be used ever again. Failure to keep your training binder and out of date paperwork at hand at all times is grounds for dismissal.

Note – This article was originally published on the old Winterwind Productions site in November, 2004, prior to our switch to WordPress in 2020.

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