M. Night Shyamalan, you suck!

M. Night Shyamalan, you suck!

by apoxuponme

First of all: If you keep reading this, you will know secrets about the Village movie. Don’t continue reading this if you are interested in seeing The Village and being shocked out of your pants by the amazing ending, k?

Second of all: This movie really sucked! I am going to go above and beyond my normal ranting self and take it up a notch at this piece of crap film, so if you are reading this and you liked The Village, you are a total idiot that wouldn’t know a good film if it came up and bit you in the ass, k?

And so it begins:

We are told in the commercials on my television at home and in the advertisements in the newspapers at my place of work and the posters on my bedroom wall that what is about to happen in this film is going to make you crap yourself in utter terror and suspense and the ending of the movie will be so stunning, you might just die of shock in a dirty pool of your own human waste. Alright. Sounds like fun. I’ll check it out!

So, my friend and I hooked up with 2 other friends and we took the oath of Jesus Christ to save us from any utter emotional pain that the film might cause us and we entered the theater willingly and of own free will. We did not heed the teachings of prophet Flavour Flav and we did in fact “Believe the Hype”.

The Village movie starts off with a child’s funeral, a nice trademark for a spooky movie, just to set the mood. It was a pretty nice opening actually and it got me interested. I was like, “I am ready Shyamalan (if that is in fact your real name), come on, scare me. Scare me to death. I’m ready.” But sadly, the scene only lasts two minutes and we quickly switch to scenes of the villagers enjoying the pastoral life of simplicity, sweeping the porch together as a family and washing dishes while singing about flowers and rainbows. After about 20 minutes of these thrilling and suspenseful dramatic scenes of pretty maids dancing and love springing forth out of the village that kept me on the edge of my sweat soaked seat, we switch to more of the same for ten more minutes! It was really suspenseful! Suspenseful!

At the beginning of the Village movie we are shown that what we are dealing with here is a village of innocent people surrounded by woods that are inhabited with creatures that are creatively named “The Ones That Are Not Spoken Of”. Once the cameras start rolling on this piece of shit, “The Ones That Are Not Spoken Of” become “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” and you get crazy scared by them, with their scary tactics of being in the woods and making wood noises nearly two miles away from the camera and actually not being anywhere in the movie and also not actually existing as well and being spoken of frequently and stuff! I pooped a bit at this point in the movie because the film had literally begun scaring the shit out of me…

We, as an audience, are supposed to be scared of these “Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently”, but we can’t because of the attitude of the three main characters in the film; one doesn’t believe in them, the other likes them because he’s retarded and the last one is a blind girl that is told they don’t exist. Given these attitudes, when the suspense actually comes, it ends up being so incredibly bad, it actually gets kind of good and turns the film into a comedy. We’ve got Lucius Hunt, the brave young stud, ready to risk his life by walking through an empty forest full of multiple non-existent things repeatedly for the sake of his love for Ivy Walker, the blind girl. Finally, we’ve got the stereotypical retard Noah Percy, who loves it when “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” come to town. Why does he love this? Well, the answer is because he is retarded. No other reason needed here. Whatever!

In a dramatic scene lasting a long time, we see how Lucius doesn’t believe in “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” and he asks permission from the Elders of the village to go into the wood to seek “medicines” to cure his true love Ivy from blindness. The Elders deny him permission and then he goes home. 20 minutes later in the movie, after more scenes of village women cleaning chamber pots and scrubbing the floor while singing and smiling, Lucius returns to ask for permission again. It’s quite an interesting scene actually, even more so because it’s EXACTLY THE SAME SCENE YOU SAW 20 MINUTES EARLIER!!! Lucien is again denied permission from the Elders and then he goes home.

Then, to add to the building suspense of this movie, as if prancing laughing pilgrims were not enough for you, Shyamalan puts in a wedding to scare the crap out of everyone! The wedding scene lasts about 15 long minutes and adds new things to the movie, like showing you that Ivy is blind, Lucien loves her and the village is pure and without evil. Then, “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” show up and you finally get to see them. Bad idea. They look exactly like what they are; old people in red cloaks. Once you see them, you know exactly what is going on in the movie and it changes your attitude in a heartbeat; “Oh. Okay, I am now watching a comedy.”

Near the end of the movie, Ivy (the blind girl), is allowed permission to enter the forest to get “medicines” for Lucien, who sadly was stabbed multiple times by the retard because he’s retarded. Her father explains to Ivy (the blind girl they allowed to enter the forest instead of someone else) that “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” do not exist and were made up by the Elders to keep their children out of the forest and the “real world”. Then, these Elders let Ivy (she’s blind, but they let her go into the woods anyway, which is cool by the Elders) go into the woods and much of nothing happens for a while. It’s supposed to be scary here, by the way. Sure, she’s blind, but her father had just told her that there was nothing to fear and “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” don’t exist, but still Shyamalan tries to make the scenes spooky and frightening. Why?! Shyamalan, are you stupid? You’re stupid, aren’t you? I knew it.

One of the more amusing scenes happened after the supreme shock that this “Village” is actually on a reserve and all the children think it’s something like the year 1894 or some shit, but it’s actually more like 2004. Ivy is still blind and alone in the woods and she climbs over a fence and meets up with a security guard that is patrolling the compound watching out for tree poachers or something. The following conversation occurs;

“I require medicines.”
“Wait. You live in there? In the woods!?”
“Please kind sir we must have haste.”
“Wait… You live in the woods?”
“I require medicines.”
“How did you get all the way out here?”
“Please kind sir we must have haste.”
“Who are you?”
“Please kind sir we must have haste.”
“Wait… You live in the woods?”

Classic comedy.

Another moment that had me laughing was Noah (the retard) dresses up like one of the creatures and goes into the woods to attack and kill Ivy, mostly because Noah is retarded, as opposed to an actual plot reason. Ivy dodges his retarded attacks until Noah falls into a hole and dies. Now, the Elders know that Noah took one of the costumes and dressed up like one of “The Ones That Are Spoken Of Quite Frequently” and ran off because of his lack of intelligence and his abundance of “vitamin retard”. When Ivy returns back from the real world with the “medicines”, The Elders are all waiting together in a cabin for news. Anyways, one of the villagers runs through the doorway where the Elders are and delivers this line; “Ivy has returned from the woods. She encountered one of the creatures and killed it.”, then Noah’s mom begins to cry. It was hilarious! It sounds odd to say that this was funny, but I was not the only one that laughed in the movie theater.

To sum up, The Village is the worst movie I have ever seen. It lacks all the things that it tried to be (suspenseful, scary, shocking), but ends up not being a complete waste of time due to the fact that it gets so bad, it becomes funny to watch. Nice job, Shyamalan. Stop trying to repeat the same thing in all of your movies. You suck!

Note – This article was originally published on the old Winterwind Productions site in December, 2004, prior to our switch to WordPress in 2020.

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