The History of Mustard
Much like the spice cinnamon, the mustard seed is of extraterrestrial origin and came to planet Earth from the vast darkness of outer space many millions of eon billions ago, most likely from a meteorite or a downed Xenu probe.
Most people back in ancient times thought anything that was different and tasted spicy and was brightly coloured was an aphrodisiac, so the Egyptian Pharaoh’s involved in the creation of the first mustard sauce began feeding this awesome seed to the concubines and pyramid prostitutes in hopes of making them as horny as possible. Then, after attempting to have an orgy involving fourteen concubines at the same time, all of which were covered in mustard, King Tut was quoted in hieroglyphics as saying: “Ah, screw it! This stuff tastes good when eaten and makes the bitches hot, but it makes them smell unarousing and causes my holy one-eyed trouser snake to become flaccid in the presence of females! Lets just export this crap to the Romans and tell them it’s a cure for something nasty, like the plague!” And so it was done.
The Romans believed anything the Egyptians said back in those days and began smearing mustard paste on everything in hopes of curing themselves of various horrible afflictions, up to and including the plague, snakebite, crotch rot, bad breath, good breath, boredom, syphilis, incontinence, trigger finger, hangover, feminine itching, constipation, masculine itching, prune hands, the jimmy legs, anal leakage, anal warts, anal retention, tennis elbow, cough due to cold, ennui, runny nose, demonic possession, brain tumors, hat head, enflamed lymph nodes, runny discharge, hysteria, and even hunger! Then, pizza was invented and everyone forgot about mustard for a while and all was well.
The first modern recipe for mustard was documented in 42 AD, when a small regiment of Roman soldiers were celebrating the marriage of the town mayor by getting completely crazy drunk and feeding all the girls in town a mixture of mustard seeds and wine. Thus, the first date rape was invented. The Romans also ate slices of this new thing called pizza and drinking weird things like “flagons of mead” and “mugs of Dave Ghrol” around the table of the local pub. Thus, the first bachelor party was invented.
It was at this time that a merchant in Rome by the name of Fereze began to utilize the roman soldiers’ idea of placing mustard seeds in wine in hopes of getting more women to be more susceptible to sexual advances. Fereze invented a beverage consisting of unfermented grape juice and mustard seeds and called his drink “Must”, named after the roman word meaning “To be determined to; have a fixed resolve for” and sold canisters of it to patrons from the back of his camel. He constantly used the catchphrase “When you MUST haves the womens, it’s Must!”. Very quickly, Must became the most popular drink in all of Italy because, lets face it, those crazy Italians will buy anything produced out of the back of a camel if a catch phrase is included with it. What laggards they are! It is because of Fereze’s dedication and ingenuity that we call the mustard seed “mustard” to this day. True story.
Then, the Vatican and possibly the Pope as well decided that mustard was the work of Satan, mostly because of all the date rapes that were going on in Rome. On a Thursday night at the Vatican (poker night), The Pope decreed that all mustard seeds were to be banned from all of Italy. Then, six volunteers from the “Rome Academy of Walking Really Far Away” took all the mustard seeds in all of Italy and traveled to the catholic churches of France. Because these priests were French (and, lets face it, most of them are pretty blasphemous when it comes to Satanic spices), they literally ate up the sin that was the lovely spice and mustard found a new home to flourish in.
By the ninth century, them there French sum’bitches were manufacturing mustard in the basements of nearly every Catholic Church in the land, boy mighty! The creation process during these primitive times usually involved two young and virile choirboys being stripped nude and placed in a barrel. The barrel was then filled with mustard seeds up to the knees of the young, naked boys. Then, a priest would begin throwing containers of vinegar at the boys and screaming at them to jump up and down in the name of Jesus Christ almighty. Supervising this ritual of mustard making was always the head catholic bishop, who would also be naked for some reason. He would sit on a footstool and watch the spectacle and sing hymns and eat bananas very, very slowly. Ever so slowly. After many hours of mixing, the seeds would combine with the vinegar and become a paste, which would then be placed in urns, which were then sealed with a spooge-like substance and sold at the market the following week to patrons.
This fascinating and strangely erotic way of making mustard lasted for nearly two hundred years in the catholic churches of France. Then, machines were invented and wonders such as the press, the grinder, and other trademark wrestling holds were used for making mustard and the priests had to find other things to do with their choirboys. Thus, the first pedophile was invented!
By the 1700’s, mustard had declined in popularity due to the discovery of new exotic spices from Africa, made by equally exotic Negros. These crafty and agile Negros were making spices no one had ever tried before and boy, were they tasty and exotic! So France, England and basically everyone else enslaved the Negros and forced them to make spices in basements and work on farms for no pay and challenge rabid goats to steel cage matches to the death and lots of other nasty things that I assume the white-folk did to the Negros back in those days.
It was then that the House of Maille, founded in 1747, became the leading manufacturer of mustard for the upper class of Western Europe. The head office of the House of Maille owned a total of 72 individual spice making Negros, which they proudly claimed on every jar of mustard they sold.
Times have changed since then. Mustard is now manufactured in factories by autonomous robots, Catholics no longer control the mustard shipments, and Negros, although still rather exotic, are no longer enslaved. The House of Maille, the city of Dijon, and most French still attempt to claim supremacy over the mustard world, but many companies and rural militias continue to remake the mustard seed into wonderful new spreads… The future still is unwritten for the mustard seed and the eternal struggle continues.
Note – This article was originally published on the old Winterwind Productions site in January, 2005, prior to our switch to WordPress in 2020.