Captain Kirk’s Kisses – Part Two
by Joseph Avery-North
In Part Two of our look at Captain Kirk’s reputation as a “ladies man” we’ll look at his Season Two smooches. Part One is available here… Now, on with the kissing!
Captain Kirk’s Kisses in Season Two
Star Trek S2E04 – Mirror, Mirror
This episode is the classic that gave us the pop culture bit of your evil twin having a goatee. Kirk, Bones, Scotty and Uhura end up in a parallel universe where Starfleet are the baddies and Spock seriously rocks that goatee. While working on a way to get back home Kirk and crew have to play along and keep up the pretense that they’re their evil counterparts.
And in this universe evil Kirk has a “captain’s woman”, Lt. Marlena Moreau. There’s a great line in this episode, where Marlena comes out of room and says to Kirk, “Oiling my traps, darling.” It got by the generally prudish 1960s TV censors and implies some serious space kink (and begs the question – was evil Kirk the top or bottom here?). Our Kirk, in his effort to keep up appearances, shares a kiss with Marlena.
Star Trek S2E07 – Catspaw
In Star Trek‘s Halloween themed episode two invading aliens from another galaxy, Sylvia and Korob, appear in human form. They’re studying humans via their Trick or Treat fetish. They make witches recite bad poetry and hang out in a creepy castle where Sylvia vamps like a vixen and Korob rocks his Anton LaVey look.
Sylvia has decided she’s a sensualist and wants to embrace hardcore hedonism so she can explore all the sensations her new form comes with. She even tries to tempt Kirk by appearing to him with different clothes and hair colours/styles. Kirk plays along, kissing and caressing, all in an attempt to get his hands on the the alien’s source of power – the transmuter (which may or may not have a vibrate setting).
Star Trek S2E16 – The Gamesters of Triskelion
The Enterprise is assigned to conduct a routine check on an unmanned communications station. Kirk, Uhura and Chekov are preparing to beam over when they disappear from the transporter pad. They find themselves on a planet where three highly evolved disembodied brains force abductees from all over the galaxy to fight as gladiators so the brains can wager on the outcome.
Kirk, Uhura and Chekov are each assigned one of the gladiators as personal trainers. Kirk employs his “seduction to save the day” technique. He tells his trainer that kissing is “helping”, she likes it and asks him to “help” her again. Later, there’s more “helping” and when she’s blissed out from Kirk’s kiss he cold cocks her. And apologises to her as she’s unconscious in his arms because he’s still a gentleman. He also taught her about love and freedom so everything is fine in the end. Kirk fights, wins freedom for all and everyone goes on their merry way.
Star Trek S2E19 – A Private Little War
The Enterprise visits a planet to study the plant life for its medicinal properties. Kirk had visited the planet 13 years prior and its inhabitants are primitive but peaceful hunter-gatherers. Or they were. This episode is Star Trek‘s Vietnam War allegory and the Klingons have shown up to arm their side, The Villagers, with flintlock rifles. On Kirk’s past visit he made friends with a man named Tyree and, to maintain the balance of power, Kirk decides to help Tyree’s side, The Hill People, by similarly arming them.
His friend Tyree has a wife named Nona. Nona is a kahn-ut-tu woman which is a cross between a healer, witch doctor and dominatrix. They dope their men with the native flora for obedience, sexual servitude and who knows what else. Nona found out about phasers and wants the fancy “firesticks” for her side, which is herself. She drugs Kirk, they kiss then she bonks him on the head with a rock and steals his phaser. Then she goes and gets herself killed trying to switch sides because her karmic credit card was way over the limit.
Star Trek S2E20 – Return to Tomorrow
The Enterprise is exploring hundreds of light years further out than any Earth ship had gone before. They receive a distress signal from a destroyed planet and move in closer. A voice speaks to our crew, calls them his “children” and invites them down. The planet has three survivors, Sargon and Thalassa, who are husband and wife and fought on one side in the war, and Henoch, who fought on the other side. They’re also disembodied, their bodies long gone and their consciousnesses reside in spheres.
They want to temporarily borrow the bodies of Kirk, Spock and Lt. Cmdr. Ann Mulhall to construct new android bodies they can inhabit. Our heroes agree because “risk is our business”and the consciousness of Kirk, Spock and Mulhall are stored in the spheres while the aliens occupy their bodies. Henoch (in Spock’s body) tries to tempt Thalassa (who is in Mulhall’s body) into stealing the bodies of our heroes. Thalassa tries to tempt Sargon (who is in Kirk’s body) because android lips don’t kiss like humanoid lips and she kisses him. Henoch soon goes on a mini rampage of terror but Sargon was wise to his coming betrayal attempt though and all is saved… except Henoch. Sargon and Thalassa borrow Kirk and Mulhall’s bodies for a second, and final, kiss.
Star Trek S2E22 – By Any Other Name
The Enterprise responds to another distress call only to find five Kelvans, invaders from the Andromeda galaxy, in human form. They have advanced technology, easily incapacitate our heroes and take control of the ship. They make some modifications to increase speed and head off back to their home galaxy. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty are the only four of the crew not reduced to chalky cuboctahedrons so they decide to divide and conquer.
McCoy tells his Kelvan he’s malnourished and pumps him fulls of concentrated espresso shots claiming they’re vitamins. Scotty gets his guy utterly blitzed on booze and Spock logically informs the Kelvan leader, Rojan, that Kirk is cuckolding him because there’s a female among the five Kelvans and Kirk is using his now trademarked “seduction to save the day” technique. Because the Kelvans have been in human form so long and reacted so emotionally to the divide and conquer tactic they realise they’ve become human and Rojan orders the ship turned around… to the complete shock of the fifth Kelvan, another female, who was left forgotten on the bridge. Even Kirk forgot about her because he’s a one man – one woman kinda guy.
Star Trek S2E25 – Bread and Circuses
The Enterprise finds a planet where the Roman Empire survived to the 20th century. Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down and are captured by some “Sun Worshippers” who resist the Romans. Our heroes are then captured by the Romans and McCoy and Spock are sent to fight in televised gladiatorial games while Kirk hangs out with Proconsul Cladius Marcus and an old Starfleet Academy buddy, Captain Merik. Marcus decides Kirk is a real man because he commands a starship while Merik only got a scout ship but regardless, Kirk’s crew will die in the games too, just like Merik’s.
Marcus decides that because Kirk is a man, his last night before being executed should be lived as a man and he sends his slave girl, Drusilla to keep Kirk from getting lonely. Kirk and Drusilla kiss. Maybe Kirk was on autopilot, thinking about his impending death and the deaths of his crew and wondering how he was going to get out of this one and the kiss was reflexive. Maybe he was stalling for time. I really can’t say. All I know is the last time I was facing execution from a Roman Proconsul I wasn’t feeling too amourous. But that’s just me.
The Season Two Tally – Seven kisses, four were tactical kisses to save the day, one was while drugged and victimized, one while his body was possessed and he wasn’t even in it and one… born of boredom I guess.
Again, keep those hailing frequencies open! Part Three is coming tomorrow…